雨在昨天傍晚开始,一直延续到刚才。起初天空灰蒙蒙一片,修长的白色雨线坠落在绿树间。现在乌云散去露出蓝色天空,飞翔的白鸟挥动翅膀时在阳光下闪耀。

一年前的今天,在清晨时分抵达巴黎。通过一段昏暗的走廊,第一次进入绿色繁茂的院子里,看见几株淡粉色紫阳花,吸入清凉的空气。一瞬间回想起在栂尾山中苔藓覆盖的小径上行走的时间。从狭窄的木楼梯登上二楼,第一次遇见了黑猫 Sandre. 房东太太笑着说它已经上了年纪。不过在夏天里食欲依然旺盛。每天早上下楼吃早饭,从冰箱里拿出牛奶时,它都会从卧室里溜出来,喵喵叫着,跳上椅子,登上桌子,甚至把温热的脑袋伸入碗里,在喝到之前决不罢休。冬天再次拜访时,房间里感觉比外面更加寒冷。房东说家里的暖气坏了,修理并不很成功。Sandre 似乎病了,食欲很差。连对火腿都没什么兴趣。正说着它走进来,比之前消瘦很多,缓慢地来到我身边,用脑袋在裤腿上蹭了蹭。接着走到饭盆前看了看,默默地回到了卧室里。再一次见面时,得知 Sandre 已经去世。

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无法寻回逝去的事物。可能也无法寻回逝去的时间。一年的时间很快流逝,却又像时钟指针沿着圆弧绕了一圈回到原点。我也来到了新的起点。似乎更加自由,更加轻盈。似乎无论之后踏上怎样的道路,都会快乐地(或多或少)前行。虽然并不像我自己,不过倒也不坏。

本科有段比较困难的时间,在图书馆里自习却又学不进数学,于是经常去翻看其它书。有一天看到了这样一句话,十分感动

In this book you will find a “subterranean” at work, a tun­neler, miner, underminer. Provided that you have eyes for such work of the depths, you will see him-how he makes his way forward slowly, deliberately with calm relentlessness, scarcely betraying the hardship that accompanies every lengthy depriva­tion of light and air; even in his work in the dark, you could call him content. Doesn’t it seem that some faith guides, that some comfort recompenses him? That he perhaps wants to have his own long darkness, his incomprehensibility, concealment, enigma, because he knows what he will also have: his own day­ break, his own salvation, his own dawn?…

Nietzsche, Dawn

喜欢和泉式部「暗きより暗き道にぞ入りぬべきはるかに照らせ山の端の月」,或许也是出于同样的原因吧。从明亮的傍晚写到了稍许昏暗的傍晚。愿我的心能一直燃烧下去。